I Still Want To Kill Myself

There’s no song that can express this feeling. I’m thankful for that in a way. I won’t want anyone to ever feel this way. I know that I’m not alone. I know that Jesus died for me. He bled for me. He suffered for me. I still don’t feel worthy of life.

A few weeks back while in bible study all I could think about was “How am I going to do it?”  The people at my school’s CRU seem nice and welcoming but I don’t want to drag anyone else into my mess. The less people know about me the less they will miss once I’m gone.  I know my thoughts are irrational. I know God has a purpose for me and that my life has meaning but the thoughts won’t end. The thoughts of jumping off a bridge of taking a few extra pills than I should.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be alive. I’m living life day to day and moment by moment. I’m thankful for every moment I have both good and bad. I pray that Lord continues to give me the strength to keep going. Without Him I’d truly have no reason for living.


One thought on “I Still Want To Kill Myself

  1. You know something like a paycheck is something have to work for to earn right? But the cool thing about God’s mercy is that it’s a gift. You didn’t have to do anything for it or be good enough for it, its just a gift he set before you. Just the fact that you are his makes you worthy of that gift :).

    I still struggle with suicidal thoughts a lot too and I don’t really tell a lot of people. Just remember that all of this is temporary and truly a blink compared to eternity. Even if you suffer for the rest of your life its still temporary because God promised that those who believe will be with him forever after this life. So that is a hope you will ALWAYS have here. And its better than hope, because it WILL be fulfilled one day.


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