All You Need For Me To Be Is Still

I want to start out by saying he is the love of my life. I knew from the first moment I saw him at school that he was the one I was going to be spending the rest of my life with. He’s a true man of God.

We began talking when I was a junior in high school. I was so lost. Two months prior I attempted suicide in a bathroom at school. I got caught up with a guy I made my world. That was a bad habit I had. He was no good. We engaged in sexual activity the day I met him. I figured that it was normal. “This is what everyone does”. I honestly can’t remember when my obsession went from Khalid to the man that I now call my soulmate.

His name is Philip. Everything he did in regards to me was in effort to bring me closer to Christ. Now that I’m saved and am in the word daily I now understand why he seemed so “strange” or unaccepting of some of my behavior. I remember that we would have lunch together in the library. We sat on the floor by a window. He showed me what he was working on at the moment. He was passionate about film making. He would be sitting up on his laptop showing me his works and I would be laying on the floor wrapped in his jacket surrounded by his fragrance. He smelled of safety and assurance.

I proudly admit that I was abusive towards him. I tried to manipulate him. I put on a show for his family. In my mind it was a game. I needed to get close to Philip, get married, and have sex with him. I’m thankful that God allowed him to see beyond the sex crazed girl I was. While trying to conform to what he saw as “acceptable” I was really struggling.  He taught me things. He showed compassion and patience with me. I now realize that I struggled so much with conforming (being a women of God) because Philip was my focus and NOT God.

Once I became content with being idle in the Lord, Philip began distancing himself from me. I now look back and think of why he stayed for so long to begin with. At some point he told me to stop messaging him. To cut off all communication. I don’t remember when he said this so I never paid much attention. I no longer talked to him on a daily or weekly basis. Just when I needed advice or prayer for things like my declining health or my living situation. After God spoke to me I messaged him more about church and general questions I had. This is when he said he told me to stop contacting him and that he had ask previously (still have no memory of when he ask). I told him okay but not without spilling out my emotions and telling him that I couldn’t make a promise to leave him alone. I do what God wants, not man.

This was a two months ago. I had thought about him but not nearly as much. God answered by prayer on that one. One evening I wanted to send him a message to try to convince him to try talking to me again but I decided I needed to spend time with God  first. I’ve been reading Girls Gone Wise. I opened up to chapter 7 and God spoke to me as clear as day through Proverbs 7:21. Needless to say I buried that thought.

I started this blog on March 31.  I sent a message to Philip asking for him to help with this. That I was no longer Delilah and that I just wanted help with remembering how things actually happened. He never messaged back and that was okay. God now filled my heart where I once put Philip.

Today is April 28, 2017. About three weeks ago I had a dream that I was with him. We were holding hands before the Lord like a minster would with a bride and groom. I felt that Philip was smiling at me but my focus was on the Lord. And He said to me that he was proud. That as long as I keep my focus on him I wouldn’t need to worry about anything, relationships or otherwise. Philip may or may not be the love of my life but He is the love of eternity.




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