The Tuesday of my car accident I was on my way to school. It was 11am and I was already 2 hours late for my class that I no longer needed to take. I had just gotten into my car when I heard His voice. My heart began to race as He told me to do something I didn’t want to do or understood.
The previous weekend I had been in a downward spiral. A suicidal mess. I even went so far as to buy new tools to self harm with. It was a Tuesday when I heard God’s voice. He told me that I needed to be in His house. I needed to be in a place where nothing else mattered other than being in His prescience. I only knew of one church that had a service on Tuesday. It was a large size church that I had been to a handful of times. Each time I went I was warmly welcomed by all. This was the church I went to when I was idle. The church I went to when I was actively prostituting. The church I went to when if you opened a Bible and turned to Matthew 7:21-23 you would see a picture of me as an example. I had been to this church a few times after my 2 year hiatus but never on a Tuesday when it was a much smaller group since most people aren’t free at 12pm on a Tuesday.
I loved the church as a whole. They are wonderful. However, I started coming for a guy (Philip) and not for the Lord. I’ll save that for another time. During the 2 years that I was being a Proverbs 6 women my relationship with this guy had dissipated. We don’t speak to this day. I no longer had any connection with the church. His father was the pastor of the church so there was a good chance that Philip would be at church anytime there was something going on big or small.
I pleaded with God. “Please, I don’t want to go.” “I’ll go tomorrow night.” “I’ll go to church every Sunday if you don’t make me go today.” “Lord, I can’t mentally handle seeing Philip. Don’t make me go.” “I won’t know anyone or where to go”. I knew that no amount of pleading would change what the Lord told me to do. I told myself that I would go to church that Wednesday night and I drove myself to class in the opposite direction of the church. This didn’t feel right. I knew that I had purposely disobeyed God to make myself more comfortable. I then tried to win back His grace by say that I was going to church the next day. CRASH. I was hit. Slung across the road 20 feet. I instantly regretted disobeying the Lord. If I had went to church like He told me I wouldn’t have been where I was. That day I learned that I may not understand what God is saying to me. What He’s saying may hurt me but I need to remember that God has a plan for all of this. I just need to stop, Remember that He’s God. I am not.